Okay, guys. Please everyone read about my paranoia!

I consider myself to be a very affectionate, huggy, open person. (Open meaning, like, if I had to whip on a different shirt, if I'm familiar enough with whoever's in the room, [assuming the bra is still on, haha] I might not run to the bathroom to do it, because I just don't care.) Also, I look at a girl and say, "Wow, she's gorgeous!" or maybe, "She has such pretty eyes!", and mean by it that I might want to look like her myself, or I'm just observing how pretty I think she looks. Or even, "Her butt looks so weird in those pants!", and when I say that, no, I'm not checking her out, I'm just making an observation because when I notice a person I notice them as a whole, not just their head. Here comes the paranoia part:
I'm always afraid that because of these things, my friends will start to get, maybe not the thought, but just an inkling that I'm a lesbian, and possibly even act differently around me, or avoid me. Now, hopefully no one's reading over your shoulder an only read the phrase, "I'm a lesbian," because the whole point of this entry is, whether it is superfluous or not, I want to clarify definitely that I am not a lesbian. There is nothing wrong with lesbians, I just simply AM NOT one.
I love you all you guys A LOT, a lot, a lot, just not like that!

Now, I know this is really random and out of the blue, but I was just lying in bed waiting to fall asleep a couple of nights ago, and I wasn't thinking of any specific event or person, it just popped into my head, and I started thinking about this paranoia that I always have. I'm always trying to think of how I look from you guys' point of view, to make sure you don't think that I'm a lesbian. So I was lying there in bed, and I thought that, by posting a definite clarification on livejournal, I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. It feels good not to have to worry about this. =oD

Now that everyone knows for a fact that I absolutely like BOYS, =o) I never did tell you guys what was up with that one entry where I said, "Why must I be a teenager in love?" Other than the fact that I love that song, I had been particularly lovestruck and lighthearted that day. Now this isn't something I usually post openly on the internet, but since I left a rather vague, brief entry, like so many of you guys do, I hope that by letting you all into the loop, perhaps some of you will let me into the loop of your vague entries? Anyway, the truth is, that ever since the musical, I've had a crush on, [unfortunately] a senior who has graduated and has a girlfriend who he's been dating for 2 whole years. Anyway.. I know there are some of you who already know this, but don't feel left out if you don't, because a lot of these people found out by coincidence of being in the right conversation at the right time.
It feels kind of odd to come right out with it, but, oh well!
I ♥ Tim Harmon!
I'll probably never see him again, though.

However, I AM SO EXCITED THAT IT IS FINALLY SUMMER!!!
Call me, people. Well, I'll be gone from June 18th- July 3rd because of Grand Haven and FJM, but other than that, call me! Let's hang out!
I think I'll go for a roller blade. =oD

COLLEEN and KATRINA: 



In March on the first day of "Theatre in Our Schools Week", you both forgot to wear a theatrical t-shirt, and 


COLLEEN, you borrowed my Give My Regards to 

Broadway shirt, and 

KATRINA, you borrowed my Sound of Music shirt.



I'd really like them back asap. Thanks!

http://www.mobilelounge.com/statechamps/intro.lounge

Vote for Dearborn Divine Child with as many old email addresses as you have as many times as you want. Do it. Now.

Why must

              I be 

                    a teenager

                                                 in love?

Where to start? I want to tell you all all about everything that's been up with me, and I'm probably going to go on and on, spend a lot more time in front of a computer screen than I or my parents would like, and I'm probably going to post it and then remember stuff and edit it a bunch of times. I haven't decided quite yet what that little mood guy is going to be up there, because covering such a long period of time involves lots of moods, so I can't pick just one mood for such an entry.
EDIT: I'll tell you all about the rest of what's been going on with me when I have more time, because I have to go to bed before my parents get mad.

mood: helpless
"But I realized its more of sentiment...I miss the way things used to be, when we all had time to be together. I talked about this with Dylan a little while ago and she's noticed it too.-- I started to notice this a little while back with individual people, but then I began to see it. We don't know each other as well as we used to --I aggree. I feel as if I don't know people and they don't know me. and we're certainly not as close,--I know. Definately. When did all of this happen? with everything being thrown at us and keeping us apart. And I feel like it can't be changed,--Exactly how I feel. as much as we want to try it. Because our schedules aren't going to clear up so we can hang out,--It's awful, isn't it? I mean, it's a lame sounding thing to say that we're so busy that our friendships are falling to tatters, but it's true. and our workload won't lighten because we need time together.--This makes me so sad. I don't want to end up like this paranoid crazy homeworking lonely wreck that I've generally been this school year.
Remember 1 1/2 years ago when we were such a close group? -- What happened? Slowly but surely, something happened.
It's not a group anymore.--Sometimes we group together a bit, and it's more like old times, but for the most part..
And I miss that.-- Me too. And that's why I've been upset.-- I feel like it's like it's lurking in the background of the normal, tangible, easy to understand aspects of life. I feel like I'm losing it forever.--Me too. I don't know...kind of like we've all said goodbye and wrapped up the last 7 or 8 years of our lives. "
This quote (in black) taken from Alex's livejournal. It's true. This is so similar to how I've been feeling, (and I thought it might have been just me overanalyzing, being paranoid, or being extremely pensive, as I've been lately more than ever before.) that I figured that I'd put it in here because I can't deny that it's something that's kind of been part of my life way in the background, just something that's been on my mind.

mood: pensive
It's strange. Lately, as in this school year, it seems as though I'm so distant more than I've ever been. I mean, sometimes everything's like normal, but I just am on my own/by myself more, and I don't find it as easy to just goof off and enjoy the high school experience as much as I used to. Like freshman year, I just had a great time. Drank in all the feelings of high school and school spirit, and band, and meeting new people, and I felt as if I had found my personality, and it came naturally: it was fun, crazy, very proud of things like choir and band, fairly accepting, and nice (or at least this is kind of how it felt to me, I hope it didn't seem too different to any of you guys). Now it seems as if I've somewhat isolated myself from such things, and I don't seem to find things as funny/fun and easy. Sometimes it just seems like the whole world, or just everyone I know, has this veil of saddness or just like that things are slipping away. The zeal people once had for things is no longer there, maybe. My mom and sisters and I had a conversation about this not too long ago. It seems that people that loved things like Band and choir--things that people used to be so enthusiastic in and had a real passion for--those people are getting harder and harder to find, and my conversation with them came to the logical conclusion that our society is teaching people to care for what these activities can do for THEM. What's in it for ME? Little things like "It's all about me" shirts can be worn jokingly by people who know it's a joke and understand that it's not true, but it's showing our youngest people in the world that everything is there for "me me me." Also, it seems to me like defined personalities (like maybe Alan or something) are slipping away into each individual's self contemplation. Like those people that just address the whole band and make silly comments or go out there with their personality and whoever likes it, likes it, and whoever doesn't, doesn't, just aren't there anymore. Like a discontinued model of a product. You can see it in our current freshman class, or at least it seems to me. They don't participate in spirit events, barely, because what's in it for ME? And (this may have been just a wrong impression) it seems, for example, that lots of the freshman girls are the kind of shallow type. Where is the individuality? Anyway, going back to my own self contemplation, I used to be so happy and enthusiastic just in general. I am not really unhappy, and I can be happy, but it used to be easier. And I find it to be difficult to be excited for anything. For example, this whole Christmas season, I couldn't catch the spirit. Anyway, there used to be no backdrop of saddness at my view of how selfish the world seems to be becoming, and no saddness of Allison moving (this got me a lot especailly at the beginning of the school year), and no saddness of the possibility?/notion?/reality? losing touch with my friends and the group falling apart--people I've known for so many years, no paranoia of people talking about me behind my back and thinking that I've been bland and detached this year, and only have small talk, because I feel like I come off like that, but I see myself at times as very contemplative and pensive, artistically minded, daydreamy sometimes, and passionate, even if I'd rather be more fun-loving and simple enjoyment of high school as I was last year. Like last year, if it was the choice between a fun song as compared to some beautiful song that makes me cry, I'd have picked the fun song almost all the time, unless I was particularly sad, but this year, it's more like that I would pick the fun song sometimes, but a lot more than I used to, I'd pick the sad beautiful song because that's what my strange new pensive, passionate, artistic mind seems to prefer. And you can sometimes see at school dances my new perspective/mindset or whatever it is. I never liked all of the dirty things they say in songs, it's just that I used to ignore them and dance for the fun of it, but now when I go to dances, I see what people are doing in the middle of the dance floor, and I wonder about the direction of our youth, and what this teaches them, and how little dancing is actually occuring, and I realize that here I am, dancing in my usual way, but as the rap song pounds on, I do the same stuff over and over. You know, move your hands around, swivel the hips, bend the knees occasionally, or lean in or out, and it gets boring, repeating it over and over. And here's another side note from the realm of my thoughts: it seems that at home, I'm always trying to just tiptoe by because I don't want my mom or dad to ask me to do something. Like my mom doesn't know that I'm down here writing this, because if she calls down the stairs and asks what you're doing, and it's not homework, and you're on the computer, especially livejournal, you might as well have said, "I'm doing absolutely nothing and would much rather do whatever you want me to," rather than "I'm writing in my livejournal." I know it sounds really dumb, and I should probably not try to avoid helping out so much, it's just that I get this twinge of anger and frustration when she tells me to do things, because I feel as if I want to say, "I can't do what you want until I sort out my own life/stuff!" For example, I've beem waiting for an opportunity to write this entry, and I'm not even going to get a chance to finish it, because I haven't written anything about what I've been physically doing in the tangible world, like over Christmas break and stuff, and it's late and I'm going to have to go to bed. You see, my parents don't see the importance of this online stuff: it's my friends-- you guys. You see what happens when we all get too busy to do this type stuff and tell eachother things? This whole thing with our friend group situation is the result. (I know this last thought train that has to do with my parents doesn't really fit in with my pensive thoughts as much, but I needed somewhere to write that.) Another thing that I've been thinking about: In Junior high, I used to go on bike rides. I loved to be outside, and I found nature so inspiring! I was passionate about smelling the breeze and feeling it through my hair, and I loved the sunshine (I still do love the sunshine), but now it seems harder to enjoy nature as I used to. I still see the beauty of a sunny day, but it doesn't impassion me to run outside and be part of it as it used to. I still love nature, I just wanted to say that, while I'm here pouring out my thoughts. So anyway, if I seem like I'm detached and bland, please realize that that is not the case, and I'd love to get back into the swing of things and know what's going on with you, the latest problems or whims or love interests, views, ideas, jokes, whether-you're-going-to-Mr.-Falcon-type-stuff, it's just that I'm so far out of the loop, which I've been drifting away from for quite some time, it seems, that I small talk to people because I don't know what else to say because I often feel as if I don't know what's going on, even though sometimes I do, I get this feeling as if I'm missing something, or someone's not telling me something, or that I don't give good advice, so people don't bother to tell me things,or would rather I didn't know. I want to be part of the world again. Sometimes I am, but often times I feel as if I drift through. I'm floating alone in my row boat over the huge dark ocean of thought and contemplation in my head, and I am sometimes surprised when people will talk to me when I'm drifting through my thoughts without oars. Now that I have just poured out my heart to you, I must apologize if some of this doesn't make any sense, or is really weird. Although self contemplation is probably good for the mind and the soul, if I'm going to feel really connected again, I'm going to need some help. 

Hey everyone,

I just want to apologize for the lack of entries and the lack of me reading your entries (except for one day a while ago) since Christmas and I think a little before.... And especially Allison. I haven't been able to call or write or anything. 

The deal is I'm just so swamped. Over the holidays, I had parties to attend, throw, and family to visit, etc. type stuff, then history homework (LSAKJDFLSADJF). Now, Finals. Finals. Finaaaaallls. (By the way, I don't know how I did it, but I remember that finals were so much easier to handle last year.. maybe my classes were easier?)

I just feel so swamped and I haven't talked to anyone barely at all lately. I hope I'm not missing anything important [especially you, Allison, since I don't see you at la escuela. =o( ]. 

Luckily:
*Just a few more days until finals are OVER
*After Thursday, NO MORE MR. LESNAU!!!! ::pops open champagne, has a one-girl party::
*The musical is starting up! My life and love! lol (And by the way, Katrina and I got blocked into the hardest dance in the play because we didn't know if we were supposed to go to that practice!! It's fun!)

Just one more thing, though:
I can't gaurantee an entry this weekend, because:
*on Friday, I have dance practice for No No Nanette, there's some party I might be going to, as well as my cousin's girlfriend's play, which I'm actually really excited for.
*on Saturday, my whole family (immediate) is going to Frankenmuth for the day.
*I need to breathe. A break from everything. And now that I have a [very] short time with no homework, I don't know what I'll be trying to do first. Maybe switching my summer and winter clothes? I just got my winter clothes out of the attic this past weekend. 

And just for the record, I'm really hoping that this half of sophomore year will be better. Everyone always said sophomore year was bad, but it is a nightmare.

Has it felt like Washington DC lately to anyone else?? It just feels like it.. 

I don't want to do Solo and Ensemble!

And I can't find my baby (alto saxophone)!